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What to Say
Many people are uncomfortable discussing the death of a child with the parents because they are afraid of
saying the wrong thing, because they assume the parents won't want to talk about it, or because they are
reluctant to "reawaken" painful feelings. Grieving parents are living their pain every day. If they seem to
avoid talking about their child's death, it may be that they are trying to protect you from the intensity of their
feelings. In this case, saying something profound to comfort them may be less important than letting the
parents know that you appreciate their pain and are there to listen if they want to talk. Questions can be
helpful as well. Ask how they are doing. Ask how you can be of help.
Here are some examples of helpful things you can say:
- "I'm sad for you."
- "This must be hard for you."
- "I'm sorry."
- "I'm here and I want to listen."
- "I know this is a bad time for you, and I want to help."
- "How are you doing with all of this?"
- "What can I do for you?"
- "Have you decided on a memorial service?"
Don't be afraid to mention the baby's name in conversation. Above all, stay in touch. If the parents reject
your overtures at first, give them some space and try again in a few weeks or months.
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